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Conqueror of Shamballa in Five Minutes

Ed - Griiiiiin
So yes, I did finally get over my emo and see the end of the movie. Here's my snarky cryo-summary XD (Warning, it gets a bit sporky at times. Don't read if this will offend you XD; )

Brief note, cause I'm getting questions: no, you don't have to ask me for express permission if you want to make an icon/draw a comic/record a voicepost using this script - just put in a nod to the author and do whatever the hell you want. (Though I'd love to see it, if you do make an icon/draw a comic/record a voicepost XD)

Also note! Lady Mercury has done me the awesome favor of RECORDING some of this, with VOICES AND BGM...go check it out, it's awesome ^_^

Creepy random villian: Hello, I have a bomb. So should you.
Al: Um, no thanks. And why am I randomly back in armor?
Ed (busts in through ceiling): Hey, that's nothing compared to my random SPACE HELMET!

Al: ...niisan, your fashion sense... *headpalm*
Ed: Hey, at least we know it's a flashback now.
*Cue overly gratuitous fight scene*
Creepy random villian: Oh nos! I am bested! Obviously, the solution is HUMAN TRANSMUTATION. I have thought about it for two seconds. It is the best plan.
Gate: I agree. *LOOM* *MUNCH*
EdnAl: ...
Castle: *collapse!*
EdnAl: !!!
Ed (now in Munich): ...and the moral of the story is - well, I guess there's no moral to this story, it's just a bunch of stuff that happened. Kind of like the rest of this movie.
Alfons: Ahahahah...ah ha. Edward, you are certifiable :-/
Ed: HEY, I AM PERFECTLY COMPETENT! *turns around to protest, totals car*
Alfons: See what I mean?
Ed: Uh...HEY LOOK, gypsies!
Alfons: *random coughing fit*
Ed: *meaningful look of OH NOES*
Gypsies: Hey there sugar, looking for a good time?
Ed: Yeah! Yay carnival! :D
Gypsies: ...that's not what we meant.
Ed: Oh. *blush*
Alfons: And while you stare at boobies, I'm gonna stare at YOU. HEY SLASH FANS!
Noah: Hi. I randomly read minds.
Ed: Hi. I randomly find you intriguing. Damn canon weakness for Sues.
Random military guys: We also randomly find Noah intriguing. This is why we've purchased you.
Noah: *reads mind* ZOMG! *flees*
Alfons: Hey Ed! So my buddies and I are randomly gonna shoot off this rocket at a town festival! You see, historically speaking, there was a time when the German populace was enthralled by rocketry and public demonstrations were common, if unsafe- Oh wait, I forgot, we don't actually EXPLAIN that .
Ed: TL;DR anyways. Later.
Alfons: D: You're not gonna stay and watch? Nooooo - wait, maybe they should also have left in backplot about, you know, why I care about you to begin with. Because I am so totally gay for you.
Ed: Yeah, well. Huh whut?
Noah: Woe, for I am a damsel in distress!
Ed: Woe, for I am pwned by canon!Sue!
Random guys: Time for a random fight scene!
Ed: Time for me to show off my totally random replacement automail! *kicks ass, flees with girl*

Alfons: *hooks up with random evil military guy* Hey, someone wants to pay me to build a giant rocket in the basement of their cool occult castle! I won't ask any hard questions. Because I'm dying from lung damage caused by inhaling rocket fuel fumes and I am worried I won't have time to acheive my dream of going into space- Wait, they don't explain this part either O.o; WTF.
Military guy: Damn, we lost the girl...and I was hoping she could help us find the Dragon. That is to say, the Great Serpent...
Rand: Hey, somebody call for the Dragon?
Military guy: ...what? Boy, get out of here, you're in the wrong series!
Rand: Well how was I supposed to know? Great Serpent, Dragon...
Military guy: ...
Rand: ...random crossover would make about as much sense as the rest of the random mythology.
Military guy: Point.

*Back at a Random Apartment Complex*
Noah: So you're sure you're cool with a total stranger shacking up with you?
Alfons: Hey, I'm just glad Edward is shacking up with ANYBODY. You'd swear he was a block of ice below the waist. Heaven knows I've tried to get in his pants enough times...
Noah: Er...
Alfons: *continues random emo, then goes to work*
Ed: *has dream about Winry and Al, then fangirls go to work*
Noah: So uh, I see you have a box of legs in your room. Creepy.
Ed: Yeah, check this out! Tech light years beyond Germany in the year 2000! Actually, I got them from a giant plot hole my Dad, so don't think too hard. The writers obviously weren't.
Noah: So where is your dad, anyway? Don't mind me while I ask incredibly personal questions.
Ed: Yeah well, he sort of walked out on me again. So naturally I ended up living with alter!Al, who was kind enough to take a research buddy but otherwise total stranger into his home :D
Alfons (offscreen): Yeah, about that...can we get it on yet?
Ed: *continues to emo* And yeah, your mind reading was right - I don't come from this world. Maybe this isn't even another world at all. Maybe this is all part of a squirrel's bad dream. Or hey, it could always be my own personal hell :D
Noah:'re a cheerful sort, aren't you?
Ed: Damn straight.
Alfons (offscreen): Straight?! DAMMIT!

Alter!Gracia: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people you miss back home!
Alter!Hughes: Hey Ed, I'm here to remind you of all the people who are DEAD back home!
Noah: And I'm here to be the only person who believes you, but only because I can see into your mind and see Al.
Ed: 'S okay. I'll stick close to you cause you're talking about Al.
Alfons (offscreen): HEY! I'M AN AL TOO, YOU KNOW!
Al (offscreen): Hehehe, see, this is why I pwn.
Random doctor: I'm here to do something completely unnecessary to your arm, because we sure as hell have no idea when you hurt it.
Random angry guy: No, you're here because everyone has to hear my biggoted ranting.
Ed: Man, that guy should stfu already.
Noah: No, it's okay. *insert something about long-suffering Roma people*
Ed: Hold that thought cause ZOMG, HOMUNCULUS! And look, fangirls, I'm still in perfect shape - I managed to chase a car down on foot!
Alter!Bradley: Hello, thug from nowhere who is threatening to kill me. Can you drive for me? I'm in need of a new thug.
Ed: might want to see my driving first.
Alter!Bradley: Never mind that, we're here! Check out this castle, we're going to go dragon-hunting.
Ed: St. Edward vs the dragon!
Envy-dragon: Awesome, how nobody has noticed me so far!
RANDOM BIPLANES: 'Cept for us! Hey, check out our lances of Longinus!
Envy-dragon: *is pwned*
Ed: was that!?
Hess: Wait, who are you? And if we don't want witnesses, why haven't we shot you yet?
Ed: I'm going to stupidly announce myself to the strange men holding me captive! Sadly, THIS part is totally in character.
Military guys: Edward Elric! *gasp* He's so important...that we're going to just let him go free.
Eckhart: That's okay, I'm randomly majikal too! :D *opens Gate using Envy...or maybe Hohenheim. Ah, nobody cares*
Shoulder pads: We are so massive, we speak for ourselves. CUE THE GUYS IN ARMOR! One of whom looks suspiciously like Al.

*Cut to Northern Amestris in winter*

Havoc: Hey Colonel - I mean, Corporel. How did you swing getting demoted when the rest of us kept our ranks, anyway? I mean, we were ALL involved in that uprising.
Emo!Roy: No. It's okay. I deserve to be demoted. Look at what I am reduced to! I will be a good little Russian Amestrian and drink vodka out in the middle of nowhere.
Breda: WTF? Okay, that was weird. You think we should have brought Hawkeye to kick his emo ass?
Havoc: No...*meaningful* You see, Hawkeye isn't the one he's waiting for... OH ROY/ED FANS~
Slash fans: Hell no! Roy, you suck now >:|

*Cuts to Other Parts of Amestris*
Izumi: *randomly dead*
Winry: *randomly grave visiting*
Wrath: *randomly around*
Winry: left your dead mother-figure flowers. Here, I'll fix up your automail so you can be a plot device.

*Cut to Lior*
Armstrong: *sparkle sparkle*
People: Oh no...
Evil Armors From Beyond: *menace menace*
People: Oh no...
Cosplay!Al: Why no, I'm not obsessed with my brother! *flashes teeth* Hey, watch THIS! My soul can leave my body, isn't that awesome? :D
Armors: *are randomly sucked back up into the sky*
Al: D: Hey, I wanted to plunge headfirst into the glowing purple thing, too...oh well. Never mind the fact that I'm still missing bits of my soul!

*Back in Munich*
Ed: Dum de I am, poking around the Evil Professor's lair. Oh wow, what's this GIGANTIC ARRAY doing half-finished? And a convenient piece of chalk...time to complete it! Never mind the GIANT ENVY-SNAKE above me, or the evil lady watching over me...
Array: *activates, spits out DEADED ZOMBIE ARMORS*
Random military guys: Did you do this!? Answer, or we shoot you! Oh hell, we might just try and shoot you anyways.
Armor!Al: Oh no you won't! *grabs Ed, flees*
Ed: Wow, flailing away from certain death! That was remarkably nostalgic. What the hell are you doing back in that get-up again though ;_;
Armor!Al: Well, you see, my soul is stuck here, but not stuck well enough that I can stay to explain to you that I'm really alive and safe :D See ya later, brother! *pseudo-death scene*
Ed: ...yup, own personal hell.

*Back at the apartment*
Ed: Hey Alfons, I ran into Al! You know, MY Al. The one that doesn't suck.
Alfons: ...D: *EMO*

Alter!Bradley: Hey thug-from-nowhere, drop everything and come talk to me.
Ed: ...engh, sure why not. What else would I be doing right now (besides trying to get back to Al through the Gate)?
Alfons (off screen): Me?
Ed: *goes to see Alter!Bradley*
Alter!Bradley: *is revealed to be Fritz Lang*
Fritz: So I am here to warn you that in the future everything will be controlled by a race of super-men who will cause the lesser races to slave away in subterranean steam punk squalor--oh wait, I meant, the guys you're working with are trying to start a war.
Ed: !!!
Fritz: Engh, but don't worry about that. I don't want you to get yourself shot up...until you're being my fulltime thug, takin' bullets.
Ed: Fuck you, leaving now kthanx!

*Back at apartment*
Alfons: *packs clothing*
Ed: Hey Alfons, your boss is evil! Stop building that rocket thing.
Alfons: ...Edward, ever notice how my clothes are all in the room you sleep in?
Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.
Alfons: ...ever notice how that implies your bed should be MY bed, especially cause you know, they only show one?
Ed: Yeah? Huh, funny.
Alfons: ...okay, that's it, I GIVE UP, I'm leaving. I'm dying, I don't have much time left, I have a dream, YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO SEE THAT I WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES... *sudden attack, bleeds all over*
Ed: !!!
Alfons: *leaves*
Ed: ;_;
Noah: Don't worry about that, honey. Alfons is obviously on the rag.

Noah: *is creepy*

*Meanwhile in Amestris*
Winry: Hey Shez, ever notice how all we do all day is visit the graves of our loved ones?
Shez: We could have hot lesbian sex instead...
Winry: Whoa! Look what I found. Gee, I wonder who could have done this.
Flowers on Maes' Grave: ROY WuZ HERE
Winry: Anyways, on to the matter at hand. Shez, darling, can you sneak me into that underground city? Cause I totally know that Wrath and Al are there.
Shez: What would they be doing in the underground city?
Winry: I don't know, but if I were an Elric and an abomination against nature, that's totally where I'd go to hang out.
Shez: Oh, all right...I'll take you. Does that mean I get to bang you?
Winry: ...maybe later.

*In Central*
Al: Hey Wrath, what exactly are we doing in this underground city?
Wrath: Oh, no reason. *whistles*
Al: Crap, you've attracted a...dopey looking tentacle monster.
Wrath: Oh goddammit, Gluttony.
*Cue additional fight scene*

*Back in Munich*
Noah: Sorry Ed. But I mindraped you, and I'm having your Gate babies and giving them to the Nazis.
Ed: Huh whut?
Hughes: *is randomly a Nazi*
Ed: Huh whut?
Car: FRITZ LANG to the rescue! *busts through wall to free Ed*

*Cut to the villa*
Random military guys: By the way, Alfons, you won't be firing your rocket outside. Check out our new retractable dome! We installed it so Tampa Bay could play here.
Alfons: Huh whut?
Alfons: Indiana Ed! My hero!

Ed: Noah! Don't open that gate!
Noah: But but, I wanna see YOUR world! I wanna go there and live forever and be happy and a princess and Those Mean Girls will never pick on me again ;_;
Ed: ...congratulations, you've now acheived Sue-strumentality f^^;

*Back in Amestris*
Wrath: *is chomped* AL! TRANSMUTE ME, I WANT TO DIE!
Al: I don't think...ah, what the hell. *opens Gate*
Wrath: YAY MOM! And thus, I am the only happy person in the movie, at all.

*Back in Munich*
Shoulder pads: Last warning, boy. Open the gate, or Daddy gets it.
Hohenheim (in Envy's mouth): Man, spending "quality time" with family sucks. Edward, go home to your brother. *is deaded*

Ed: *is in shock*
Ed: *is shot*
Eckhart: *blows smoke off gun barrel* All must obey the will of the Shoulder Pads. NOW WHERE ARE MY STORMTROOPERS!?
Armors: *menace menace*
Alfons: Oh Indy! Good thing you have your Indy-powers, she shot you in a good guy spot!
Ed: That's good but uh, what am I doing in this rocket?
Alfons: Going home.
Ed: ...what, now you want to get rid of me? D: Manic, much?
Alfons: Yeah, I want to prove I'm my own person. Let's see that other Al be half as manly as THAT :P
Ed: Alfons! *whine* But I'm claustrophobic!
Alfons: *watches happily*
Alfons: *is shot*
Maypirate: Hooray!
Noah-Sue: *shimmering Sue tears* Edddddd, take me WITH youuuuuu!
Ed: STFU NOW, KTHANX! *accelerates*

Eckart: Hey, I picked up gate babies! Ahahaha, take THAT shoulder pads! Now /me controls J00!!! Today the shoulder pads, tomorrow the UNIVERSE!
Winry/Shez/Al: OMFG ROCKET!
Ed: Whoaaaa...
Winry: ED! *tackle-glomp*
Ed: Correction, whoa boobies. *blush*
Al (laid back): Hey, niisan. 'Sup.
Ed: Oh, hey bro. Not much...aside from the unholy forces of hell currently running amok in Central!!!
Al: Whoops, my bad.
Winry: Hey while we're at it, have some automail! I've just been carrying this around for years in case you should ever come back from the dead :D
Armors: *menace menace*
Havoc: Gee, ever notice how these are the slowest moving shock troops, ever?
Breda: But woe, for we are all still screwed!
Havoc: No wonder, if we all shoot as poorly as that Eckhart chick does >:|
Roy: *shows up, explodes things*
Roy: Hey, it's not my fault. Without Fullmetal around, nothing pissed me off enough to make me want to blow things up :P
Al: I see dead people...they're every where...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Ed: Yup. Another day, another genocide.

Al: Cheerful, aren't we.
Ed: Well, now that you've had your emotional virginity raped away, how's about we go kick some ass?
*Cue another gratuitious fight scene*
Roy: Hey Ed, 'sup?
Ed: Not much, Roy, 'sup?
Al: You know, we're all taking this pretty well, niisan randomly being alive and all.
Roy: Well, you know. Central blowing up, you assume Fullmetal has to be involved somehow.
Al: Point.
Ed: Screw you guys, I'm going home! Al, I'm drawing a line down the center of this Gate-baby!ship.
Al: D: What?!
Ed: I have to go back and destroy the Gate. God knows why we don't just explode it on this side.
Al: Noooooooooooo! If you do that, Hyde will become canon!!!
Alfons (from beyond grave): DAMMIT, but I'm dead now! D: Even when I win, I lose ;_;
*Ship flies back through Gate*
Winry: *sad smile* Well, at least I don't have to wait for him to get a sex drive anymore.
Shez: ...can we have hot lesbian sex now, then?
Winry: *shrug* Okay, why not :P
Slash fans: *sadly, shun hot pairing*

*Back in Munich*
Everyone: *gasp*
Ed: Alfons! *gasp*
Alfons (from beyond grave): Wait, you seriously came back!? Dumbass, now my Selfless Sacrifice was meaningless.
Al (pops out of armor): But mine wasn't! 'Sup, brother!
Ed: AL! What are you doing here?
Al: Not much, hanging around, watching the game... oh yeah, I wanted to be with you.
Ed: But I--oh, fine. Cue the Elricest, then?
Al: Yeah, probably. HEY, SLASH FANS...
Slash fans: Okay, we're up for this one!
EdnAl: *destroy gate, save the day*

Noah-Sue: *does a random gypsy dance on Alfons' grave*
Alter!Hughes: *randomly hooks up with Alter!Gracia*
Ed: Well, now that we're stuck in this alter world...what should we do?
Al: We could randomly go back to that whole megaweapon thing that was floating around since the beginning of the movie.
Ed: Oh yeah! Sure, why not. Indiana!Ed rides again!

*And last, but certainly not least, back in Amestris...*
Winry: *randomly playing with Den*
Winry: To hell with man. Dog is woman's best friend :P



( 193 comments — Leave a comment )
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Mar. 6th, 2006 03:47 pm (UTC)
Alfons: *is shot*
Maypirate: Hooray!

*is ded*
Mar. 7th, 2006 06:28 am (UTC)
May is in fact the secret star of CoS >_> Just in case you hadn't noticed.

*emos over hei in may's place*
Mar. 6th, 2006 03:48 pm (UTC)

You made the movie like 1000 times better. Not that I didn't enjoy it before, but hay.
Mar. 31st, 2008 05:38 am (UTC)
I second that! That movie sucked all the humor out of the everything!

Ed: *is in shock*
Ed: *is shot*

Mar. 6th, 2006 03:54 pm (UTC)
[feels geeky for getting the crossover reference] And hee, that movie is full of inconsistancies and everything, it deserves happy mockery. Emo away, Alfons!

... [snk] Indiana!Ed. Oh god...
Mar. 7th, 2006 04:19 am (UTC)
I got it too, and was laughing. XD
(no subject) - ten_youko - Mar. 19th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lady_nefrodiel - Jul. 13th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 6th, 2006 03:54 pm (UTC)
Bwahahaha! I should have just read that instead of watching it...strangely enough, I want an hour and twenty of the hour and forty minutes of my life back...Sans Roy, the movie was rather poorly scripted and far too eh for my liking.

Mar. 6th, 2006 04:04 pm (UTC)
*is dead* Oh man should not had read this turning class. XD
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC)
You rule so hard.

Alfons: *is shot*
Maypirate: Hooray!

This winz the intranetz.
Mar. 7th, 2006 03:25 am (UTC)
(no subject) - cryogenia - Mar. 7th, 2006 06:29 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:10 pm (UTC)
that was utterly fantastic
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:35 pm (UTC)
.....Dahahahaha. XD

If only the movie was really like this... I would have enjoyed it so much more than I did already. ♥
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:36 pm (UTC)
omfg this is the best movie snark every written!

Mar. 6th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
Sue-strumentality. yes.
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:39 pm (UTC)
That was so totally not 5 minutes, but you killed me with it anywa. XDDDDD
Mar. 7th, 2006 01:31 am (UTC)
XD Glad you liked it. I was worried it might make people sad, cause my snark is pretty vicious. But I do this with everything so, yeah XD
(no subject) - historyblitz - Mar. 7th, 2006 03:36 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC)
OMG! That totally made my day. I almost fell of my chair laughing.
Mar. 6th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)

Random may for the win!
Mar. 6th, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
sight! if only the movie was really like that. lol! Great summary.
Mar. 6th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah! That's great!

That movie was so much WTF... and yet so pretty. And shippable.
Hei/Ed-- they practically put up a neon sign for that one.

Rose/Ed -- Proving that even in Canon, we hate Sues.

Rose/Hei -- Could happen...

Al/Wrath -- Proving that Bones can come up with odder pairings than I could.

Wrath/Gluttony -- Dante was a hell of a lot more fattening than she looked. Ooh extra arms!

Winry/Sheska -- You know that bet over which brother would get the girl? Well they both lost. And you know, Winry's just fine with that.

Ed/Bradley -- Proving that Bones can not only come up with odder pairings, but they can also ditch emotional realism in the process. You attacked my driver? Gosh that's so funny, hop in the car and I'll take you on a little adventure.

Roy/Ed -- I pine for you! And I got myself demoted and gave up alchemy for reasons that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Roy =/= Riza -- Roy: I'm not pining over you. Watch me leave you in the dust.
Riza: You are such a jerk.

Roy/Al -- Ed: "I gotta go, here I bequeath to you my brother, use him well."

Ed/Al -- Sure we are stuck in a world that lacks alchemy, hates cripples and persecutes gays, but at least we have each other so all's well!
Mar. 6th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
And oooh I forgot Gracia/Hughes! -- Hey the canon couple is together again... awwww... She get's her husband back, but equivilant exchange says he has no soul to be an evil nazi who betrays his friends.
(no subject) - tobu_ishi - Mar. 6th, 2006 09:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - velvet_mace - Mar. 6th, 2006 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tobu_ishi - Mar. 6th, 2006 10:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - zrana - Mar. 7th, 2006 12:42 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - anomiagrey - Sep. 30th, 2007 07:36 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 6th, 2006 06:00 pm (UTC)

Sorry about last night, Cryo, I totally fell asleep like a bum. ;_;



I love you. *_*
Mar. 7th, 2006 01:33 am (UTC)
XD May, so far the audience agrees that you were the best part of that movie too :)
Mar. 6th, 2006 06:10 pm (UTC)
you SO ROCK!!! *laughs quite loudly IN THE MIDDLE OF A LIBRARY! O_o*
Mar. 6th, 2006 06:22 pm (UTC)
Alfons: Indiana Ed! My hero!

Alfons: Oh Indy! Good thing you have your Indy-powers, she shot you in a good guy spot!

Ed: Oh yeah! Sure, why not. Indiana!Ed rides again!


Sorry, I loves me a good Indy!Ed. <3
Mar. 7th, 2006 01:34 am (UTC)
Credit goes to you for that, by the way. Though amusingly enough, the people I was watching it with also were like... "So he's flying biplanes and fighting nazis. Dood, it's Indiana!Ed!"

Then I linked them XD
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - engine_blue - Apr. 15th, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 6th, 2006 06:44 pm (UTC)
OMG, I couldn't stop laughing through this. This is pure genius. Greatest FMA movie summery ever. *dies*
Mar. 6th, 2006 07:09 pm (UTC)
Okay, this was a bad, bad thing to read at work. But thank you! My co-workers are now absolutely certain that I'm certifiable due to the guffaws coming out of my cube.

Thank you. (I rather liked the film, but your take on it was so hilariously spot-on...)
Mar. 6th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
THAT was awesome, absolutely brilliant XD *love*

Random military guys: By the way, Alfons, you won't be firing your rocket outside. Check out our new retractable dome! We installed it so Tampa Bay could play here.

Mar. 6th, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC)
Well, it's been said, but that won the internet.

(Also, I'm surprised I haven't seen more like it around. That movie was eminently snarkable.)
Mar. 6th, 2006 07:46 pm (UTC)
You are my new GOD.

You justified the *entire* existence of the flaming sack of dog poopie that is that movie.
Mar. 6th, 2006 08:10 pm (UTC)
You rock my world!
Mar. 6th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
Winnar of the internet and ALL OF LIFE. XD
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Ed - Griiiiiin

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